If you have a crier, first of all why are you reading this? You are on borrowed time my friend- go get yourself a coffee, have a lie down or simply enjoy the silence before it all starts again. My first born was a crier- not that I knew it at the time. Quite frankly I just thought she didn’t like me, mildly inconvenient to say the least as we had 16-18 beautiful childrearing years ahead of us (16 in my humble opinion, 18 in my husbands fairly irrelevant one).

If you feel like your baby cries more than other peoples then it probably does. It is Sod’s law that the parent of the crier ends up friends with the parent of little Humperdinck who chuckled when he needed a feed and raised his hand when he needed his nappy changed. Well the parents of Humperdinck can BORE OFF because what they may or may not realise is that it is NOTHING THEY DID that made the Humpmeister Carlsberg’s answer to babies.

So many people will tell you that the reason their child is a delight to behold is because they employ a relaxed, laid back, happy, loving approach to life. They feel like having a baby was no more of an inconvenience than having a new sofa delivered, looks good and fits well with their chilled outlook and organic lifestyle. Bollocks. It’s much more akin to getting a sofa from ikea: great in theory, arguments when choosing when to do it, doesn’t fit in the car and then a finished product called Billy that looks better in the playroom than the living room.

And I feel validated in these comments now I also the mum of two non-criers (definition of non crier in this example is does not cry between the hours of 5-12pm every day, non-stop). Then come the ‘she’s so good because she’s the third, she just has to fit in’ comments. Hate to point out the blinding bloody obvious but when she arrived she had no idea who she was, where she was, or prob what she was so I strongly doubt that she was aware that the two shadows peering into her car seat were to be her future BFF’s (hey, I’m an optimist) who she had to behave for. If she was a crier, she’d also have to fit in, obviously, you can’t take them back because they don’t mix well with the current family or don’t go with the curtains. I know many people whose third child was not chilled out and these comments are as annoying as the people who think their child is laid back because they are. Bottom line is babies are small humans, we are all different and they are too. It is nothing you are doing wrong*. If you have a crier- hang in there, life gets quieter, proms.

*unless you are forgetting to feed them/change them etc, then you are quite clearly doing something wrong. Obv.

Anyway, parent of crying baby, take heart because:

1.Their baby will inevitably acquire teeth/have a growth spurt/catch a cold. You can watch them freak out about Humperdinck’s increased fussiness and crying whilst you sip your (well deserved) wine and make unsubstantiated comments about how relaxed and laid back you believe yourself to be.

2. You will have a level of empathy for parents of crying babies that can move you to tears. I can’t walk past the parent of a crying baby without, at the very least, a sympathetic smile. A few times I have been compelled to offer more than just a smile and I once approached a mum despairing over her unhappy baby and ended up asking her if she wanted a drink. Turns out she thought I was cracking on to her which was somewhat awkward but anyway, you get the picture- you really feel for people.

3. Your baby is infinitely cleverer and more attractive than theirs. This is untrue but whatever makes you feel better (If need be consult grandparents to verify point 3 and discuss with wine and salty snack).

So next time you are dealing with a writhing anti social baby remember, as is everything with babies, this is a phase and will end. Keep going, chin up- after all, no one likes a cry baby*

*Disclaimer: I do, I love mine.