First day of school run –

1 . Dress your child in their brand spanking new school uniform. Continuously exclaim ‘you look so grown up’ whilst child looks smugly at own reflection in mirror.

2. Plait your child’s hair in complicated style that wouldn’t look out of place on show pony, add ribbon/hairband/quiff/hairspray/botanical decoration if feeling extra artistic.

3. Remove label featuring face of child’s current fave cartoon character from brand new water bottle. Stick pre-printed name label on it and fill with filtered water.

4. Take tiny shiny shoes out of shoebox very delicately (they cost £257, flash AND have a Barbie hidden in the sole). Slip onto child’s feet in manner of Prince Charming discovering Cinderella.

5. Skip out of front door backwards whilst filming wondrous child’s first steps out of the door and into the world of education. Live stream to disinterested Facebook audience. Take multiple photos, send to entire phonebook. FYI your child is the cutest child that ever doth grace the education system.

6. All skip to school holding hands, wave at all other pedestrians en route. Other school run parents get extra smile – ‘HELLO fellow school run comrade!’ Hi five some of them whilst enthusiastically leaping down the alley in manner of gazelle followed by baby herd, whoop – ‘what a lovely morning for a first day at school!’.

7. Arrive at school gate feeling like it is your first day at school. Urge child to play with child of parent with the nice shoes so you can ask where they got them from, kiss child on forehead and shoo them through the gate. This is delightful…. you are bursting with pride, you are now proud owner of school child. You are capable parent and fully fledged school run grown up, congrats.

Second day of school run and every weekday for the next 16 years –

1. Fish dirty uniform out of laundry basket and spit on it to clean off yesterday’s chilli con carne, shoehorn child into last term’s jumper/cardigan/dress/tights/world book day costume, it’ll do.

2. Run brush through child’s hair. If brush gets stuck half way, leave it. At least you’ll be able to find it tomorrow.

3. Frantically quiz child about where they believe they have left water bottle, look through cupboards for alternative, fail to find water receptacle so think outside the box and use plastic food bag. Write child’s name on it in lipstick.

4. Find one scuffed shoe by front door and question how you didn’t notice child coming home with only one shoe on yesterday. Find old plimsols and prise child’s feet into them in manner of Cinderella’s stepmother desperately trying to make the ugly sister’s feet fit.

5. Bump double buggy out the front door. Trip over. One child falls out, pop them back in and hope nobody noticed.

6. Run to school periodically shouting ‘hurry up’ and ‘we’re going to be late’. Eye other school run parents suspiciously, you are sure they are the ones that let their dog poo in the alley. Sarcastically comment ‘nice weather for it’ whilst rolling your eyes at the rain clouds and doing your coat up.

7. Arrive at school gate with sense of impending doom. Urge child to play with child of parent bearing what looks like an offering for the harvest festival/christmas fair/PTA raffle (delete as appropriate) so you can find out what you’ve forgotten. Kiss child on forehead, prise them off your leg and direct them through the school gate. You are now proud owner of a stitch and a shoe with dog poo on it. You are bursting with the exertion of the half mile relay you have effectively just run and you feel relieved to hand over the baton, your offspring, to another responsible adult. Oh ok, to a responsible adult.

See you at 3.

Find me on Facebook when I should be doing the school run here.