The Cliffhanger
They are the digital equivalent of a frustrating ending to a book. Good news or bad news they provide you with no news. Status’ including things such as ‘can’t quite believe it…’, ‘so sad…’ or ‘the BEST news…’. They use the dot dot dot to gain intrigue. You don’t know them well enough to ask for more information but you check back sporadically to see if ‘the cliff hanger carer’ (below) has contacted them yet.
The Cliffhanger Carer
This person either puts on a bloody good job of pretending that they care about the good/bad news The Cliffhanger is teasing them with or they are incredibly nosey and aren’t afraid to poke their digital concern into other people’s statuses. Either way their endearment of choice is always ‘hun’ and they favour the phrase ‘u ok hun?’. 99.5% of the time this is met by The Cliffhanger declaring that they will either PM (private message) or DM (direct message) The Cliffhanger Carer. Bad news for all us nosey status lurkers and always strikes me as odd that The Cliffhanger didn’t just cut out the middleman and just DM The Cliffhanger Carer in the first place. Or tell them face to face. Perhaps it’s because, despite being Facebook friends for 7 years they haven’t actually talked to each other IRL since they did a work experience placement together 7 years and 7 days ago. People were way more Facebook friend trigger happy back then.
The Grammatical Error
you cant under stand wot their talkin bout coz u cant tayk ur i’s of the a mount of mis takes in there staytus updaytes the lack of punchuasion means that a lot of wot they r sayin sownds lyke they don’t tayke a breff thank god 4 the universal langwij of imogee ?
The Blogger
They set up another account so as not to ‘bore’ you with their constant ‘mad’ life which basically consists of toilet humour (parent blogger) clothes you can’t afford showcased with poses you can’t replicate, but tried anyway (fashion blogger) food you can’t identify accompanying recipes you can’t make, but tried anyway (food blogger) or multiple photos of aeroplane windows, luxury hotels and floppy hats (travel blogger). Inexplicably constantly shares posts from their blog account to their personal one anyway (guilty). They shamelessly assault your senses with their various platforms entering your personal cyberspace – youtube, instagram, facebook, snapchat, twitter, myface, yourplace, metube, boobtube – you name it – they’re sharing links from it.
The Hashtag Blessed
They cherish every moment and only cry with happiness, even then it’s only one solitary tear sliding down their blessed face. They comment on other people’s hashtag blessed posts like it’s their religious scripture – but only ever with the heart emoji ❤️. Most likely social media personality type to shout at partner/children/guineapig/neighbour in real life. Anyone within 10 meters of the hashtag blessed feel hashtag not blessed and hashtag stressed.
The Obsessed
They bloody love their baby/food/dog/face/auntie/left foot/sofa/third knuckle on the right hand (delete as appropriate) and they are NOT afraid to shout about it. Expect constant updates about their third knuckle on the right hand (or whatever their obsession is) Namely it’s rate of growth and/or beauty.
The Platform Politician
They don’t know a whole lot about politics but it doesn’t matter – they don’t know that you know that they don’t know an awful lot about politics. They are actually pretty informative and the first to share news articles about everything ranging from but not exclusive to government policy, current campaigns and breaking stories. They once shared one of Trump’s tweets before he did. Use the information they provide you with wisely, apparently citing their status updates as your source in political debates is frowned upon.
The Constant Updaters
They are waking up, they are going to the toilet, they are brushing their teeth, they are having a shower, they are putting their clothes on, they are leaving the house, they are nipping to the post office, they are passing wind in the post office queue. Whatever they are doing you know about it because they make sure you are constantly updated. Comment on every single update with the co ordinates of your current whereabouts. They’ll soon stop.
The TMI
One level up from the constant updater but lower in tone. It is NEVER necessary to know ANY information AT ALL about another person’s anus, healthy or otherwise. Tinder exempt.
