You know you have a diva when…

Now I know that all toddlers have a little Nicki Minaj lurking in them but how can you tell if you are raising a full on, demanding diva. Well as someone who is the primary carer of a mini Mariah I know the signs, and here they are..

Unusual demands

So some of us enter the childcare system eternally grateful to the lovely people who have chosen caring for our children as their career path. Others (me) enter with a list of requirements for our little J Lo longer than the toilet paper trailing out of the nursery toilet cubicle. Only one brand of dummy will do for Baby Mariah, Baby Mariah will ONLY sit on a polished pink potty, Baby Mariah does not tolerate supply staff, you must only walk backwards when retreating from Baby Mariah, Baby Mariah needs three soft toys tucked under her arm at all times and Baby Mariah would like her own dressing room complete with 14 white doves. Try listing all that under ‘special requirements’ on the ‘All About Me’ nursery form. As for the demands made at home, as with all true divas the PA (me) bears the brunt of the requirements that would have the real Mariah rolling her eyes, for example “Mummy, stop the wind” (she meant the actual weather wind) Worst thing is as a long suffering parent of Mariah you give it your best bloody shot. FYI impossible.

‘No press’

Lovely family pics will be a thing of the past. Mariah must either be doing her fake smile which takes over her (and everyone else’s) entire face or she will decide ‘no thanks, not today, you’ll have to go through my agent’ and you will have lots of pictures of a family day out sans one member who will be sulking, arms crossed behind the camera. Only parent without a picture of their child in the school nativity? Me. Mariah was having an off day. Just take my word for it, she was an incredibly convincing reindeer.

Public meltdowns

You think it was bad when Britters shaved her head in front of the press in 2007? That was nuttin’ bitch. Toddler Mariah will shave YOUR head whilst laughing and then sobbing hysterically (soz supernanny, i’m sure it’ll grow back)

The performances

Over the course of Mariah’s (now 5 year old) life I have endured, sorry, enjoyed, hundreds, if not thousands of shows. Mainly bizarre interpretive dance performances with a huge amount of compulsory audience participation. It doesn’t matter who you are, you can be called up- it’s a bit like national service. I will be eternally grateful to the man in Sainsburys who clapped at the instructed time thus avoiding the aforementioned not so lesser spotted public meltdown. Sir, I salute you, you took one for the team, and anyone located in the immediate vicinity.
So, does this all sound familiar? hang in there parent of diva, take it from someone who knows, diva babies turn into amazing, independent, assertive girls. Bet Beyonce was no shrinking violet and what is it they say? Always be yourself, unless you can be Beyonce, then be Beyonce. Or Mariah. Or my daughter.

No idea, who she gets from *clicks fingers*…

‘Now where’s my Latte’.