Considering a career change?

Are you a parent?

May I suggest that you may already have all the essential criteria to be an outstanding and upstanding member of the policeforce, (go with it…)
Now assuming that the beautiful law enforcement officers of the UK are blissfully unaware of that one (ahem) time you dabbled with weed in your teenage years**. And the time you used your sisters driving licence to go clubbing and had it confiscated by the bouncer who was in the same year as your sister…what are the bloody chances…

Conversation went like this-
Bouncer: (looks at ID) That’s not you..
Me: Yes it is.
Bouncer: That’s your sister, I was in the same year as her at school. She was in here last week.
Me: That’s me! Hi errrr you, how are you?! you must have seen my younger sister last week.
(Everyone in the queue looking at my 16 year old self)
Bouncer: Right, so do you have anything else in your purse with your name on?
Me: Of course I do… (RUNS AWAY)

Social suicide committed. For me. And my sister probs. And defo my 16 year old pals who had to run after me. AND he was on rotation of the local bars. Cue lots of getting dressed up and hiding round corners in Tunbridge Wells to wait for any bouncer who was NOT in my sisters year at school to be on shift.

Anyway, assuming that (a) you were a v small time crim (b) you were never caught or (c) the police have very sloppy record keeping, then I think the police force is for you.

Why? I hear you cry, because, my friend, without knowing it I believe you are fully qualified already. And here is why:

Car chases
Now, you may not have been in pursuit of a criminal in a car but i’d bet my bottom dollar you’ve had a baby in the back who wants something IMMEDIATELY. When baby needs food baby needs food. I don’t know about you but when the baby needs feeding it’s not just the baby who becomes unable to wait. I turn into this weird irrational version of myself and that baby is not gonna go hungry, not on my watch. It’s prob about survival etc but if mama’s gotta run a few reds or nip a few slow walking pedestrians to stop the baby screaming blue murder then it’s happening. Just the kind of dedication our police force needs IMO. Alternatively, if you have a sleeping baby in the back and that baby needs movement, then that baby is going to be moved. Makes you imaginative in stand still traffic, I’ll tell you that much. As an aside anyone know where I can purchase one of those bouncing cars that rappers always own in music videos? clearly PERFECT for colicky infants, I digress, Moving on..

Negotiator
Never mind talking someone out of a volatile hostage sitch, ever tried talking a 2 year old out of a locked toilet cubicle? or a 5 year old out of relocking said 2 year old into the toilet cubicle? Or distracting someone into eating something good for them when they clearly believe it has been laced with arsenic? I spend so much time around irrational people that people who think with their rational mind actually confuse me. 1 add 1 is 2 eh? what’s the catch wiseguy… Parents become natural negotiators and diplomats. Not your birthday today little one? no worries, this problem is over before it’s begun and I have a ‘it’s not your birthday present today’ for you. Crisis averted before it’s begun, no stress and no riot which brings me onto..

Riot training
I am fully qualified in riot reduction, and, worse case scenario, when a riot is wholly unavoidable I’ve got the ability to defuse the situation as best I can. If the situation reaches crisis level I am the BEST hider out there. With all the games of hide and seek I’ve played I’ve had enough bloody practice. A parent knows when a riot is imminent. I’m not fooled by the adherence to rules or the ‘calm before the storm’ as it is universally known. They look happy, they’re listening but I know when the little buggers are tired, emotional or hungry. People will tell you ‘they don’t look tired to me’ as they smile sweetly and play enthusiastically. Alright lady, wait 10 minutes until riot commences and I’ll prove it. Hope you remembered your riot shield.
During the thick of the riot I have developed the skills to dodge most missiles launched at me, food based missiles = easy but offensive. Not just for the damage done to clothing but to the injury to insult as you take a hit on the back of the head from the broccoli as you’re sweeping up the previous mealtime carnage. Ball based missiles (insert joke as how children came into existence here) are controversial. ‘It was an ACCIDENT mummy, I was just throwing it to my brother’. Save it for the jury short one.

Searching for the perp/twerp
Hid behind the curtains last time. NO ONE would be SO silly to hide in the same place twice would they? Course they would. The perp/twerp has found what they believe to be a good hiding place and they are sticking to their (water) guns. Call it a double bluff if you like but I prefer to call it stupidity (come on- I can see their feet)

Incarceration
You know where this is going. You are so used to taking someone to the naughty step that you accidentally tried to put your Auntie on it last time she was round. A minute for each year of your age may be slightly less than what the courts dish out but you are dedicated to making sure that your little hooligans serve their time. And once, when I was being hilarious (obv) I joked that I should go on the naughty step for forgetting to take something into school. Cue 30 BLISSFUL uninterrupted minutes on the step. I took a packet of crisps and had a great time. Obviously ‘accidently’ forgot Show and Tell the next week too. Just another example of how easy prison sentences are not an adequate deterrent. Or something.

Anyway, consider it, you’re practically an officer of the law already.

** Hi Dad, I made this up for the purposes of this blog. Conversations around the topic of smoking weed will be treated as defamation of character. You have the right to remain silent etc etc.